Black Velvet - Alannah Myles

I constantly wonder at office as to what am I doing there. Increasingly I am becoming disillusioned by the kind of work I am doing day in and day out. I am craving for a change and to use a clichéd phrase – add some value. Nothing though seems to open up. No internal openings are there for me to switch my role. And no one outside seems in a mood to look at my resume. With the situation at home not too great, I can’t think of compromising on my pay package to do something which gets my attention. I have always been some how bound by this image of being a good son, good brother, good guy in the colony. I have to/want to break this image. Not that I want to go and kill somebody but I don’t want to do what seems the obvious thing. I know it’s a sad thing to think about with all that my parents have been through to put me here. They never pressurized me into doing anything and even now I know they would readily support whatever I want to do and will always be behind me. It’s just sometimes I think too much. I don’t want to go home for a long time. I avoid that. I avoid telling them anything which is going on inside me. And I feel real guilty for that. They are there all alone after having done so much for me. And here I am who doesn’t feel like going home and sharing things with them. They are lonely at my native and I can’t call them down here to live with me because not only it would not be financially feasible for me to do that but more importantly I feel that it will curtail my freedom. And this thought makes me cringe at myself. I don’t know what to do, where to go, what to make of it. Maybe someday I will.

I have become this aloof person whose own family doesn’t know what is going on his head. They always say that I don’t talk to them or tell them anything. My sister knows something is bothering me but she too has to rely on my cousin brother to find out things. I always tend to talk in monosyllables with them. I always deflect questions about me and my life with simple – Everything is fine.

I don’t know what to say to them – That I don’t like what I am doing now, but also don’t know what I want to do. That I have no idea where my life is heading and what I am doing with it. That the only time I am myself and I love my life these days is when I am in Purple Haze – drunk, head banging and singing at the top of my voice without any care in the world. That I can’t seem to save one penny from my salary. That I somehow am not capable of changing anything which I don’t like in my life. That I need direction or a goal. That somehow writing all this is the only sensible thing right now I feel like doing. That I never ever was the genius they thought their son was. That I hate, I turned up a shy, timid, mumbling in his mind person who is so scared of facing anything new.

And in between all this my relatives have seemed to caught the marriage bug. Anyone who talks with me is telling how they are looking for girls. What the fuck!!! Somehow it’s always relatives who are in a hurry to get you married, more than your parents and I am just 24 – what is the big deal. Well they are in for a surprise. For me it’s a simple thing – it’s either love marriage or no marriage. And with love and me not on talking terms, I think it has to be no marriage for me. I just can’t think I can spend my life with some girl whom I haven’t known for some time, whose tastes don’t match. I would drive the girl crazy with my idiosyncrasies and ruin her life. So its better I stay single and enjoy my life that way. Parents are in for a shock I swear but won’t be telling them this. Will just keep saying it’s too early and later just keep saying no – simple and effective method.

I always liked what Rian said – I always write when I am sad and low. Not that writing changes anything, it just makes it all come out in the open and ease me a bit.

I agree my friend, I agree. We should have talked more.

"Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribbled lines"

PJ & AIC - New Albums : Awesome

I don’t know what to write except that I want to write something right now.

There are many thoughts inside. Some are not strong enough to come out in the shape of words. Some which are strong but I don’t want to see them in words. They would just end up confirming my fears or embarrassing me or just end up making me hate myself more.

What were all those dreams we shared
those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made now
left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

Slide up next to me
I'm just a human being
I will take the blame
But just the same
this is not me

You see?
Believe

I'm better than this
Don't leave me so cold
I'm buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
I know I'm worth your love

Enough...
I don't think
there's such a thing


Help me see myself
cause I can no longer tell
Looking out from the inside
of the bottom of a well

It's hell
I yell

But no one hears before I disappear
whisper in my ear
Give me something to echo
in my unknown future's ear

My dear
The end
comes near
I'm here
But not much longer

~~~ The End - Backspacer (Pearl Jam)

Listen to it here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSeSFn49d9s

Pearl Jam - Backspacer - What a fucking awesome album \m/

Would? - AIC

Time always flies when you want to hold it the most. That is why I told you, I want a pause button in my life. These 2 days with you will remain forever with me. Time with you has always given me some of the best moments of my life – 15th Feb, 12th April and these 2 days.

These 2 days we got to know a lot about each other. Some things which in my case very few people know about and very few who I can share with. Some things I am not very proud of, some which made me go red with embarrassment and some which just had me laughing. Got to know a lot about you, things which maybe you also never shared with many. Things which probably were hard to mention and took a lot out of you while telling me. Time when you stopped short of telling something you wanted to share. I wanted to hold your hand and just hold you close at that point of time. But as always my head took over and I just stayed quiet. Time spent in Leopold was really amazing. We got to know a lot of things about each other in those hours – some somber, some sweet, some hilarious and some naughty. Yes I wanted you to stay for some longer time but that is just because I wanted to know what made you such a beautiful lady that you are today. What makes you tick, what you hate, how easily can you hide any pain behind that beautiful smile, what makes you jump like a child, what stops from sharing any grief or pain you have inside, what makes you who you are – just an amazing one of your kind woman.

Sorry for not introducing my friends. It was just that after Mocha a lot of thoughts were rushing through my head. Was I hurt you had asked. I wasn’t hurt just a touch bit low, not sad. You were very clear from the beginning about it so it was not a surprise or something. Just that you can dream can’t you.

But you know the defining moment of these 2 days for me would always remain the gift you gave to me. That dance was just the perfect and most personal gift you could have given. Even though as I say I have two lefts, not even two left feet, that dance would always remain with me. The song will always remain with me. Walk from Mocha to the Station will always be with me. Me dragging you inside Globus and buying that scarf. You saying that it would have been wonderful if the police had caught me outside Globus for doing that and you would have a story to tell your children.

My only regret of the trip was my stupid rants on Sunday night. I was drunk and got all emotional. I hope those rants did not change our friendship in any way. Because after all I have said and shared with you, at the end of the day I always want to be your friend till the end. I want to be the friend you can call and chat while you are drunk silly, while you are bored and sleepy, when a tune plays in your mind, one you can share with anything and everything under the sun without thinking twice, one you can go crazy and high with, one you can share your ups and downs with, one you can laugh with, one you can cry with. I want to be that friend.

I won’t lie and say that my feelings would go away and that you will not remain someone extra special. I won’t lie and say that I will move on and not wait for you to change your mind. I don’t want to hide anything from you. Won’t be able to if even I want to. I would always remain biased when it comes to you. I would always hope for it and want it to happen. I will always wait.

But yes I will control and keep in check my feelings and self. I always would want first to be a true friend for you. And never would I want to hear “Sorry Dhruv for hurting you and making you sad” because you cannot. You can never do that. You just have to smile and the day for me lights up, sitting so far away. Even on your low days you manage to send me a smile. Your laughs can liven up any dull day. And you know what, all I want is to keep that smile always there. And I promise I will always try to make sure that it happens. I will always remind you how much weight you have lost, how hot you look, how smudged kajal looks sexy on you, will always make you blush and go red, for life I promise.

You gave me what I really came looking for – beautiful cherished memories for a lifetime.

I just hope I managed to give you some too.

You know right now only thing I am worried and sad about is that all the barrage that I let out on Sunday night may not have created just a kink in our friendship. I hope it is not that way and it’s just my stupid thinking. But if it really has I would want to remove it. I really am sorry for it. I would never want to loose a friend like you. Wherever life takes us in the future, I really hope we both are just a phone call away, just a sms away, just a song away, just a smile away.

There are lot more things to do together. A play to catch, to paint your nails, to go high on rum one night and know every little thing about each other, to explore the remaining 99% of your city, to have that breakfast I missed, to learn how to keep talking, to have pani puri, to have fights and arguments, to be even better friends. I hope we get a chance for all this.

Would we mermaid?

Tool - The Pot : To break the frenzy

I do not know if everyone goes crazy as me with some songs. This one I heard on Friday night and since then has been just flowing through me. Person who introduced me to it said that knowing me this one song would remain with me forever. I believe so. Songs always get me worked up. Just take me to a plane which is so removed from my normal self. Gemini you say.

My last post had every one of my friends worked up. One of my closest buddy wrote back saying that trying to analyze life at every step leads you no where. Sometimes its just best to enjoy every moment and stop being critical of life and looking into the past. Well all lines in the last post were not about me. Every para was for one of my friends. I don’t know how to stop this. How to stop analyzing life. Its kinda my nature. I don’t know how to stop and frankly should I stop is a question I ask myself. Do I do it every minute. No. But yes I do it quite often to trouble people around me. But that’s just me. And probably it won’t stop.

I do not know what future holds. But yes I have now started to live on my instincts to some extent. Doing things I normally wouldn’t do. Saying things I normally wouldn’t. To people in personal life, to people in professional life. For too long I have just listened and kept it inside. Time to let it out in the open. To call a jerk a jerk on his face. To tell what I can do and what I cannot do. To say what I feel without being worried about the consequences. Expecting things. To tell my boss that I cannot ask some stupid questions without actually knowing anything about the topic just cause I am an MBA and I have studied costing in my course. Common dude what I studied has no fucking relevance with what is being discussed and you have a 12 experience to rely on.

September has been an eventful month. Month which already has seen me having great time and month which holds in it the promise of some more good times. And maybe next month is going to be when I try and change my life. Time to maybe shake things up in my life. Too long I have been happy with the comfort of monotonous life. Maybe now I need to do something and I guess I am ready for it.

I am a biased person you say. I am biased. How can you not be biased tell me. You are always biased towards people you care for. Are you not. Everybody is. But yes I am truthful too. I say what I mean. Sometimes just say a lot hehe. Now that’s a strange statement to attribute to me if anyone knows me well….saying a lot hahaha.

All said and done, there are things to look forward to. There are things to do and to achieve. Time to work for that car, to work for that 1 room setup, maintaining this friendship. To always be there when needed. To know that the smile is always there.

Just have a little, patience

I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop
Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don’t be too hard on my emotions

Cause I, need time
My heart is numb has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend

I'll try to be strong, believe me
I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me

Cause I, need time
My heart is numb has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience, yeah
Have a little patience, yeah

Cause these scars runs so deep
It’s been hard
But I have to believe

Have a little patience

I hope its gonna make you notice ... someone like me, somebody

"I´ve been
roaming around
always looking
down and all i see

Painted faces,
fill the places
i cant reach"

Was always a fun person, full of energy, full of life but is now a brooding kind and has gone through what no one should, reached a point where no longer has the I’ll take on the world and do what I want attitude. Rather has been forced by life to bow down a bit.

One could think of him as a perfect snooty at first and but would vouch that he is a genuine kid as you got to know him better. One who was sure of himself but now looks a bit confused.

He soared high and long and could muscle his way through life. Now he doesn’t look like his old self and seems battling to save one thing quite dear to him.

She was the quintessential material girl. Now is on a path of self discovery. Nothing wrong with it, just not the right age I would say and definitely not the right way. Many on the same path have been stuck in the middle with no where to go after a point.

He always needed constant motivation. He always got complacent. For once he defied it and life changed. Now he is back in the same state and just maybe fritter away everything life has offered and which he richly deserves.

One could have called him the ice man earlier. Never perturbed, frustrated or hassled and always seemed in control. Though does not say it openly, now he is a bit concerned and under stress.

He had already been through 2 tragedies in life. Somehow he soldiered on and entered the hallow gates. Just when it all seemed going right, he again faces his past. Do not know how he will take it this time. How much can one take.

He never was sure of what he did. He was submissive and let things slip by. He was supposed to change and take a hold on life for once. But he still lets it slip by, always repenting the lost time and decisions in the future.

Confused and always desiring something else. Never satisfied or content with what he got. Never appreciated what he had. He still is confused and still keeps on making those mistakes.

Life after 5 years was supposed to be different. This was the beginning of the grand journey. Some of us changed, some remained the same. But all somehow are lacking that spark. Seems all of us are running in circles. The more it changes, the more it remains the same. No one is sure what he wants. Every achievement that we get and for which we craved seems worthless after we get there. Only moments which seem worthwhile are those when we friends sit around over cups of coffee pulling each other’s legs, telling jokes, convincing the other about their abilities and wishing there was more time. Maybe that is all there to life and this is all we desire; these moments of happiness of with friends and loved ones. Maybe its time we had more of these. Or maybe its just time to pause and reflect and question; what am I doing?

Today Would Be Different...The Air Was Suggesting So

It was just like any other morning. He opened his eyes and checked his mobile. Six in the morning. Should he get up and do some exercise as he always thought. He was getting fat and he did not need people telling him that, which still they did. The mirror was enough. But then one more hour of sleep was too much to give up. So he rolled over, tucked the blanket around him and closed his eyes again. Suddenly the loud shrill of his mobile jolted him from his sleep. He looked at the mobile and it was 7. What the fuck in a minute!!

Lazily getting off the bed, he started getting ready for work. Working in India’s biggest “brothel” demanded that he look presentable. Thought of smoking a cigarette but then decided to give his already wasted lungs some rest. All dressed up with radio blaring in his ears, he looked at the mirror for the final time. I’ll start running from tomorrow for sure he thought. He stepped out of his house and started the walk towards the bus stand. Interesting melee of people he encountered everyday on the bus but today he felt would be different. The nip in the air was suggesting so. Pulling up the collar lapels of his worn out jacket, he pushed towards the bus stand tripping on the music the station was playing.


“You know I often think of jumping off such cliffs – one last and final jump to finish it all” Dev said.

“You are drunk, chutiye” replied Aman.

Aman wasn’t wrong. They had come down to this beautiful place on a break from their routine work life. Their resort was in the middle of a jungle with hills all around and clouds engulfing the peaks, the view was breathtaking. They had been drinking beer and reminiscing since they arrived here a few hours back.

But was it really the beer? Dev didn’t think so.

“No I am serious man” he said puffing a cigarette and feeling breathless as usual. “Sometimes I have this desire to go to the top of a cliff and just take one more step” Dev said.

“That’s beer talking dude. You are shit sacred of heights. On top of it you think too much once drunk.” Aman said.

“No I am not drunk” shot off Dev. “Yeah and that’s what every tipsy jerk says” smiled Aman. Dev did not hear and continued rambling.

“I have had this urge even when I am not drunk. I love driving in hills and always think while taking turns, what if I decide to let go the steering. I see myself and the car flying off the cliff. You know someday when there are no dear ones to cry behind, maybe I will drive that car beyond the cliff. And that too in my full senses” Dev said animatedly, to no one in particular or maybe to just himself somewhere inside. He was always like that after a few drinks.

Animated, Passionate and Emotional.

“You are an idiot. There is so much to look forward in life. It is so beautiful and worth every moment. Stop listening to these stupid artists you love. It’s their garbage which is coming out. And moreover it’s easier to say than to do.” smirked Aman. But he was a bit sacred by what Dev was saying. He never knew what went on in his friend’s mind, though they had been great friends since long. Dev rarely revealed anything. It was only when it was too much to keep inside that he would blurt it out and more often than not only to Aman. Silence ensued and both started gazing at the mountains sipping their beer.

One could see all the best there is in life in those hills, in their pristine beauty.

Other was trying to measure himself up against what he had just said and had been thinking for some time.

He took the usual window seat in the bus. Away from the mass of people who were about to fill the bus jostling for even air to breathe. Fingers and feet tapping to the music, he was looking outside. There were the usual faces he saw everyday and then there were some new ones. Some striking, some not so much, some happy, some on phone, some tired of the wait, some just plain uninterested but all unique in their own way. The bus was moving along as usual – the body vibrating noisily, gear sounds, hard brakes which ensured the whole human wave going back and forth.

Today it looked like it was the Race Day – term coined by him for the day when buses started racing against each other, trying to reach the stops early so as to pick more people. But these were government buses for God’s sake. Since when had they been concerned about how many people rode their buses? Or had the concept of Performance Pay come in them also he jokingly thought.

But the joke quickly died down. This somehow was not feeling right. The two buses were behind each other overtaking braking and swerving for the past 10 minutes. The wild ride had shaken up everybody and people were asking the driver to calm down but he appeared in no mood to listen. With people falling over each other as the bus swerved, the inevitable happened. He was still engrossed in his music when the bus hit the divider and he could see before his own eyes what was happening. The bus hit the divider and came crashing down on its side. His eyes were wide open and he could not even scream. It was just like the nightmares which he had when he was a kid where how much he tried no word came out of his mouth. There were only screams which we heard. And all he saw was blood.

And after a point all of that seemed to go away too. The ringing in his ears of the crash, screams, cries of pain, smell of blood.

All he could he hear was, “I see myself and the car flying off the cliff. You know someday when there are no dear ones to cry behind, maybe I will drive that car beyond the cliff.”

“…….it’s easier to say than to do”.

And he was trying to measure himself up against what he had said, what he had thought and what had just happened.

Today he felt would be different; the nip in the air was suggesting so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leaving on a jet plane..... the song started playing when I just finished this post and somehow made me smile :)

Do you really see yourself settling in this City?

City my dad left within a fortnight after joining his job and told his dad, my granddad, that he would do anything but live in the City. He was 18 and probably first time out of confines of the cool, serene & calm Nainital. I can understand how he might have felt.

City which has turned my sis into a more confident, sure of herself, lady. There is no dad or jiju or me to help around and fall back upon. She travels herself in the local, asks for directions, drives her car around and has finally found a city which she should have been in from the beginning. She is 29 and a Major in the Army and pursuing her post grad in Surgery but still it is this stay of over 2 years now in the City which made her really grow.

City which I loathed and absolutely hated when I went there for the first time in 2007. Only 24 hours made sure that I would dislike it for 2 years. Traffic snarls, crowd, humidity and just the fast pace were a big put off.

During the induction in my company they asked for choices of cities we would like for final posting. Though it was a stupid and futile exercise as nobody got what they wanted, Sis wanted me to opt for the City. We both would be at one place and mom & dad could come down too. But dad was dead against it. He said it was impossible to live there and sis had no idea as she was enclosed in the cocoon of Army area. Well even I was not very keen and finally ended up in Bangalore.

2 years on, went back to the City in April this year. Sis, Friends and a Birthday made sure I took a detour while going home. 4 days in the City. While landing was apprehensive as to how will I find the way in this confluence. I had to prepare myself mentally to travel in the local, to adjust to the crowds, the fast pace, the humidity and to be always on the move. And 4 days later, I thought to myself, this is the place I want to settle down in finally. I found the fun side of it, faced the crowds in the local (but yeah they were not peak crowds), enjoyed the sights.

And now I want to be in Mumbai/Bombay. I know currently this craving is due to the people. But yes this is a city which has the power to change your outlook towards life. A city where you have opportunities galore and very safe compared to Delhi. Yes it’s tough to manage and live in and travel daily on the local and it is damn expensive. It takes time to go from one place to another and living there won’t be as rosy as I think. But still. One rider though that the city surely needs a salary higher than I currently draw. So now I am hoping for a raise and a switch. And that is being fucking optimistic in these times hehe.

It’s also been nearly a year in job and the same in Bangalore. Some days are good and some are dull. Grew a year older last month and one more year wasted (Wasted Years – by IM playing in my head). With 2 guys leaving, it has kind of mellowed down here. Weekends are going dull and booze is increasing; never a good sign. Anyway I am a sadist who can never look at the positives in life. And this self doubt and doubt on the life I lead and want to lead will always be there. I need to change the way I think. I don’t want to be tongue tied on the phone. I don’t want to resort to writing every time I can’t speak out, every time I am low, every time my thinking is clouded, every time I feel like crying. Hell I don’t want to cry. I want to be an optimist. I want to say what’s in my head and my mind, not just write it. I want it reciprocated. I don’t want to force. I want some sanity. I want…..fuck I don’t know what I want.

Thank you DC for being one with whom I can share and remember about R, even though I sometimes message in from odd locations. Thank you for asking me to post. You made sure I did post and it came out. And I am a little less heavy.

As for the question, Yes I Do See Myself in the City. When I don’t know but for sure I will be there. And I hope its soon.